Shade
by LaceyKoi
Summary: Abuse, songfic, 1x2, 5x2, i think this maybe the first fanfiction i wrote...i'm sure it was my first songfic. 1x2 end up together (duh)


GW disclaimer in bio, but I don't own silverchair's "Shade" either.  
  
And Mel's gonna get mad at me if I don't let you all know that when they start kissing harder, the music speeds up and it was her idea that I stole from her. Damn Mel, making me admit that the beautiful idea wasn't mine!!!!!!!!!!  
  
  
  
"You're stupid! I don't know why I ever thought I loved you! You use ME and pine away for HIM! You stay awake all night and think about him, but you never knew that I was awake too! I knew all about your little murmured fantasies of him, keeping you safe or rescuing you from 'my abusive lover.' Oh, no, not ever 'love', because you never reciprocated my feeling for you! Well let me tell you this—I'm tired of it, and I'm tired of you! WE'RE OVER!" The loud, angry voice rang in the room, out into the hall. Everyone could hear it. "OVER—BECAUSE YOU CAN'T LOVE!"  
  
Duo blanched and stepped back, crying. "NO! You can't say that I can't love! I do love! I DO!" He crumpled on the floor, still whispering "I do" to himself—because he was the only one who could still believe it.  
  
His lover snapped then. "STOP CRYING!" He grabbed Duo's braid and used it to jerk the small boy to his feet. When Duo started gasping for the air his sobs had deprived him of, Wufei broke down. "STOP CRYING!!!!" He yelled as he began pummeling Duo senseless. It was not the first time.  
  
Wufei left when Duo was a bloodied shell of a former human. Duo was able to whisper after him before his world went black. "Bastard…"  
  
When he came to, Duo struggled downstairs, searching for a faint typing sound—and consequently, Heero. "Heero…" He choked out before a coughing fit claimed his lungs. Heero turned to look at him, and his mouth dropped open.  
  
"Duo? Are you okay? I wasn't aware you had a mission…"  
  
Duo managed to take control of his coughing fit momentarily—just long enough for a weak smile. "No. No mission. 'Fei. Need…help." And his lungs were reclaimed. Heero nodded and led him back to his own room and began to administer first aid to Duo's multiple bleeding wounds.  
  
"How long has this been going on?" Heero asked, concern clouding the fact that it was none of his damn business.  
  
[If you're hurt  
  
Why don't you tell someone?]  
  
"Forever." Duo managed to say, even Heero's lightest touch filling his vision with pain.  
  
"I know what you mean. It does seem like forever till you come out and admit it, doesn't it?" Heero inquired ruefully.  
  
"You don't know what I mean. No one can ever know what I mean. Never." Duo pronounced these words with knowing, agonizing pain of what would happen to him if Wufei ever found out about anyone knowing about his personal pain.  
  
Heero regarded him thoughtfully for a minute before shaking his head. "People do know."  
  
"It's my fault though. He's my lover. I need to think about how he feels knowing I think about someone else too."  
  
"It's not your fault."  
  
[Don't feel bad  
  
You're not the only one, yeah]  
  
The powerful emotion the words were spoken with attracted Duo's attention. He grabbed Heero's hand to allow some of his vision to return, and as it did, they could each read the pain in the other's eyes—Duo's pain was fresh, while Heero's was long remembered.  
  
Duo slowly reached out and raised the edge of Heero's shirt. There, he stared at scars that could never be acquired from battle. These were done by hand, to inflict pain. The placement showed they were supposed to teach a lesson.  
  
"Heero…"  
  
[Don't go hiding  
  
Hiding, in the shade]  
  
"Heero…" The repeated plea brought Heero back out of his painful memories. He looked in Duo's eyes and saw another sort of pain. The source was impossible to read, but its intention was to inform him that someone knew. Someone always knew. "Who?"  
  
"One of the trainers. J never knew, he thought the blood was just part of the training. The trainer was supposed to be my friend, always telling me that the pain was to teach resistance to forming bonds with another. When I told J, he looked at me, looked at the wounds and scars…then gave me a gun. That was the first time I'd ever actually killed another person. Killing that trainer was a big step in J's eyes. He knew that after killing someone that close to me…I would be able to kill anyone I deemed necessary."  
  
"Why didn't you ever tell us? We try to be your friend. If we knew about the pain, we would have taken it slower. Especially me."  
  
"It wasn't obligatory information to share."  
  
[Don't go hiding  
  
Hiding, in the shade]  
  
"Heero…it may not have been 'obligatory'…but it's helpful for understanding you. I mean, if what 'Fei did to me is like anything that happened to you, then I know how you feel. Lost…scared…hurt."  
  
"Of course you'd feel hurt! Look at all the blood!"  
  
"Not hurt there." Duo said softly. He placed his hand on Heero's chest. "Hurt here. It's like a tearing of you heart and soul at the same time. What you feel for them and what you feel for yourself is broken into tiny pieces at the same time. That's what abuse does. It's abnormal use to your body…something you're not used to.  
  
"That's why it hurts me so much when Wufei hits me. 'Cause that's when I start losing respect for him."  
  
"What exactly does he do? Why are you telling me? I'll find someone else who's experienced in these issues for you!"  
  
[If you were abused,  
  
I'll find someone to help you]  
  
"Heero…" A glare rendered Duo speechless for a moment. "He hits me. He pulls me up by my hair, and if I cry, he hits me more, and screams at me to stop crying. But that doesn't matter now. We're over. He told me so himself."  
  
"Duo. I've heard it happen, but I thought it was just a lover's quarrel, so I didn't want to butt in and interrupt. But…why me?"  
  
"You don't talk much. That means you'll be good at listening. Plus, I keep telling you more and more because I like you. You're a good friend to me. Trying to keep me from getting hurt, helping me when I am hurt. You said you'd find someone more experienced for me. But, you see, if you went through it too, then there's no one more experienced than you and me in these things right now. I just wish I had someone like J to give me a gun…and there was someone who could take his place as a pilot…and someone who could take his place somewhere else…and some little bit of you inside me so that I could find the courage to end my problems. But you've gone through this too, and you can help me continue afterwards. With my life. 'Cause you've been hurt too."  
  
[I know you were used  
  
What are you gonna do?  
  
Yeah]  
  
"Duo? Why did you keep this a secret for so long?"  
  
"I had to hide it. I had to hide bruises, and cuts, and burns…"  
  
"Burns?"  
  
"Yes. I had to hide myself. But now…I'm free! I don't have to worry about Wufei anymore! I can move on!"  
  
[Don't go hiding  
  
Hiding, in the shade]  
  
"You must move on then. But remember me… always."  
  
"Huh? NO! I'm moving on emotionally! I'm gonna find someone new—who can take care of me, and I can take care of him."  
  
"He'll be very lucky."  
  
[Don't go hiding  
  
Hiding, in the shade]  
  
Duo and Heero's eyes locked at that moment. Lucky. Yeah. That's all he'll ever be. Because he'll never have my heart. Just me.  
  
[Don't go hiding  
  
Hiding, in the shade]  
  
What do I mean lucky? If someone had Duo taking care of them, then they would never have to be lucky. I know they'd be beautiful. But they'd never be lucky. I'm lucky. I've had the privilege of loving him and never having to show it. "Do you have any idea who it could be?"  
  
Duo smiled at the words. "I have an idea." I just wish I could read the emotions that ran through his eyes so I would know if he knows how lucky he is. Beautiful too.  
  
Duo still stared into Heero's eyes. "Wufei did this to me because of him. He knows how I feel about him. He knows he could never hold my heart like you, Heero." Shit.  
  
Heero's eyes popped, and he glanced down. When he looked back at Duo, the small braided boy was flushing. "There's someone that has my heart too Duo."  
  
"I know."  
  
"You know who it is?"  
  
"No. I just know someone has it. Whenever I mention love, you turn red and look away. I just wish I could love someone that returns the same amount of love to me."  
  
"Why'd you hide your love for me?  
  
"I wasn't going to run. I wasn't going to lie. What else was there?"  
  
"The truth."  
  
"Hiding things got too easy for me. It was just something else on my list."  
  
"Can I tell you who has my heart?  
  
"This is gonna hurt me more than it hurts you, but sure. Who?"  
  
[Don't go hiding  
  
Hiding, in the shade]  
  
Heero reached out slowly and gently placed a hand on Duo's cheek, fingers resting lightly on his cheekbone. He gradually leaned in, closing the distance between himself and his friend. He carefully pressed his own lips to the split ones of his small friend, allowing each to take pleasure in the contact. As he pulled back, Duo held onto him, refusing to believe in what had just happened for the sake of his own heart.  
  
As Heero looked at him, Duo cautiously looked back up to read only love in the cobalt eyes. He relaxed his tense muscles, continuing to read this new thing he never tired of. The emotions filling his heart slowly over powered him, and he lost the little bit of acknowledgement he had retained of his suffering. He pulled Heero back to him, and started kissing him fiercely, know that even if he had wanted to, he couldn't let go.  
  
[Hiding, hiding  
  
Don't go hiding]  
  
The kiss slowly deepened, as both let go of the restraints that had held them back.  
  
[Hiding, hiding  
  
In the shade, yeah]  
  
The kiss led to other things, as would many others.  
  
[In the shade  
  
In the  
  
In the shade]  
  
Heero raised himself on his elbow, looking at Duo, both peaceful for the first time in a long time.  
  
"Duo? Will you promise me something?"  
  
"Hmm?"  
  
"I never want you to go. Especially…"  
  
"Hmm?"  
  
[In the shade  
  
In the shade]  
  
"Don't go hiding."  
  
[In the shade]  
  
  
  
KAWAII!!!!!!!! 


End file.
